The Journey of Auset

A Metamorphosis of Me

The Ugly Girl Experience October 19, 2010

A few weeks ago, there was pretty good discussion on a forum that I frequent or rather lurk.  The initial poster, initiated this discussion by asking “How does one accept being ugly?”  At first there were the usual cliche, PC answers like “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, “Some of the most physically beautiful people can have the ugliest personalities which makes them ugly and vice versa for physically ugly people”, and “Outer appearance isn’t important, it’s what’s inside that counts” and so on, so forth.  However, I have a very difficult time believing people when they make these statements.  If people really believe looks don’t matter, then how come every time I say “I feel my looks are below average”, others say I have low self esteem.  If looks really didn’t matter, then self esteem shouldn’t have any type of correlation with how you look.  A woman’s value is measured by how she looks. Plain and simple.  The less desirable a woman looks, the more her value decreases.

People judge all the time based on appearance.  Not only in terms of dress, but in actual features.  Despite how often people sugar coat it, looks actually matter.

I written about some of my experiences growing up as a child on this message board.  I pretty much know where I fit in based on how strangers, ‘friends’ and yes, even family treated me when I was younger.  It’s hard for people outside looking in to understand and come to the conclusion that people like me just have low self esteem.  I was teased and bullied all throughout childhood about my looks.  I had so called friends who really didn’t treat me as their friend.  I always seem to come in handy only as a last resort. People found me to be a nuisance if I laughed or smiled, especially since my teeth were so crooked.  I learned to stop smiling.  They found me to be annoying if gave an opinion, or had an idea.  So I learned to shut up.  I was even hit by family if I came off as ‘whiny’ or ‘bratty’ if I complained about something.  Behaviors that my more attractive cousins could get away with without the same treatment, or labels.  Of course I was a friend when it was convenient to them, so after about the age of 15, I didn’t make an effort to make any and became a loner.

I think I was always a bit of an introvert, but I think growing up with the “Ugly Girl Experience” may have pushed me to the extreme.  I’m still struggling with self esteem.  I’m at times shy.  I don’t really like the way I look.  I don’t have the desire to make friends, with the exception of my closest friend who lives an hour and 45 minutes away. I’m 25 years old and never been on a date, or even been kissed.  I learned from an early age that no guy would touch me and internalized it.  I’m suspicious of people who persistently try to pursue me as a friend.  I wonder if I’m being taking advantage of.  I can spend a week by myself, in my apartment without any contact and be okay with that, which to most is not normal.  I feel safe alone.

One poster described the “Ugly Girl Experience” better than anyone could, even me.  What she types is my life unfolding right onto the computer screen.  This was my childhood, adolescence, and young adult years. She says…

I have had the Ugly Girl Treatment.

What I want to contribute to this thread is a bit of the Ugly Girl Experience. They are all different, but have some similar attributes:
People at large mistreat you and others around in non-verbal ways legitimate their actions. You pick up on this as a child and as an adult and internalize that SOCIETY has a place for you and is INVESTED in keeping you there.
Ignoring a few opinions is one thing (and difficult enough). Ignoring the world’s opinion? That’s a different battle all together.
I recognize this is an extreme view “that the world is against you”; however, the UGE makes you perceive that this extreme view is in fact “the norm”.
The next few instances were a part of my everyday life from the age of SIX onward:
Other children pointing out in detail what was disgusting about me in front of their parents and other adults and other adults and their parents laughing along. I was left undefended. I learned as a child that the ADULTS I DEPENDED ON for safety and security seemed to AGREE with my tormentors. This is CRUSHING.
As an older teen, gaining a voice and speaking back to those who, yes, LITERALLY WALK UP TO YOU AND TELL YOU HOW UNFORTUNATE YOUR FACE AND BODY IS –only to be REPRIMANDED by authority figures for “causing a problem over a few words”. You have been PUNISHED For trying to HAVE SELF ESTEEM. You learn you DON’T deserve RESPECT or PROTECTION. As a woman this is doubly crushing!!
I moved around the US in my childhood and in EVERY NEW PLACE THE SAME INSULTS WERE USED IN THE SAME WAYS. Surely, the problem was ME…I was the only common denominator!
Other common occurrences:
-Cashiers throw money into your hand and frown (Specifically after being courteous to people of all races, sexes, and SES, statuses before you got in line…they just happened to be better looking than you. Not perfect…but, better).
-Sales clerks make it seem you are a bother and you began feeling bad for needing their help…you are a nuisance.
-Potential employers are immediately less than impressed.
-Men’s faces fall when they shift from your cute friend’s face to yours.
-Women walking past you look you up and down and smirk.
-MUA tell you, you NEED everything they suggest.
-MUA gasp when they remove your foundation and concealer.
-Nurses are less accommodating.
-People are short with you and expect you to be a quick learner, because, heave-forbid you be “ugly AND stupid”.
The list goes on.

-Little Golden Lamb

I don’t know how to end this post except…

Treat everyone with some respect and dignity. Those of us deemed less desirable have feelings too.


Not So Good October 7, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Auset @ 12:21 pm

I stepped on the scale today, and I didn’t like the numbers.  I actually gained weight back.  But I will factor in that I had just eaten.  I really need to get rid of my scale.  I think I may just hide it in the car because I’ve been stepping on it almost everyday for the past 2 weeks, sometimes twice a day. I can’t believe I’m allowing this to determine how the rest of my day will go…


Name Change… September 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Auset @ 6:52 pm

I changed the name of the blog as well as the name I use to make comments on other blogs.  I don’t think the old name fit and I like the sound of ‘Auset’. I like what she represents.  However, this blog is still about my metamorphosis, my change, my growth, and my journey on the way there.  I’m well on my way to self discovery.

Join me on the Journey

In other news…

I haven’t been writing in a while because I have been preoccupied with my thoughts.  Thoughts about everything and nothing.  I’ll go on in detail in a later post.  All I say is that I need to get my head back in the present so I can have a better future, and stop living in the past.


Baby Steps September 8, 2010

Filed under: Current Body Stats,Uncategorized,Weight Loss — Auset @ 10:29 am

I broke 160 lbs today…

I will keep in mind that I weighed myself when I got out of bed this morning. So there was no food or water in me.  I still completed a 30 min workout after my weigh-in.  I need to hide the scale, because I’m allowing it to control whether or not I have a good or bad day.  Today is a good day…


“The Crush” September 7, 2010

Filed under: The Crush,Uncategorized — Auset @ 9:30 pm
Tags: , , ,

Last year, I was just beginning graduate school and was in a desperate search for some very affordable student housing.  I finally found a place via Craigslist.  Long story short, I got approved, a week later, I went to tour the complex (which seemed much nicer before I actually moved in), and signed my lease the same day.  It is a student complex, and at the time, the individuals that worked in the lobby were students, or they appeared to be students.  To protect his privacy and my embarrassment, I’ll call him John*.  Well, John* obviously worked behind the desk, but I never dealt with him personally nor did he handle anything regarding me or my apartment.  I just saw him a few times behind the desk, and noticed his smile. Still, he was no one who took my breath away immediately.  As my mom and I were walking to the car, he did try to make conversation, but it was my mom mostly responding to him.  I’m shy, I can’t talk to any guy upon first meeting them whether I’m attracted to them or not.  But the point is, he didn’t get my attention.

Unrequitted Love

Well about two weeks later, I move in.  I’m in my apartment unpacking everything and decide to get on the internet.  After my very slow laptop finally starts, I realize that I need a password to get into the network.  So I decide to go downstairs to the lobby and ask for a password.  As I’m on my way down the hall, he gets off the elevator.  I didn’t make it downstairs because I asked him for the password instead.  He gave it to me, then he smiled.  I think that was the beginning. He smiled at me.  He asked me “What’s your name?”  My heart still flutters just thinking about that encounter.  Yes, I’m a dork.  I told him my name and I asked his.  I couldn’t shake his hand (too bad) at the time because he was helping renovating other apartments, so there was paint on his hands.  I really wish I shook his hand anyway.

From then on, the encounters became more frequent and friendlier.  Then in one of our conversations, I discovered he had a girlfriend. *Tear*  So I purposely avoided seeing him so my feelings wouldn’t grow so intensely to the point that I was getting distracted.  I would only go to the lobby when I was sure he wasn’t working.  It didn’t help, I was still thinking about him often.  I’m still thinking about him often. For a while, I had gotten comfortable and didn’t see him for 4 months, thinking he wasn’t there anymore.  Needing to fill out a work order, I had to go downstairs to the lobby.  To my surprise, he was still working there.  I was so sure he wasn’t, but he was there.  Beautiful smile and all.  He actually smiled when he saw me, but I’m careful not to think too much of it.  I also smile whenever I see a familiar face.

To not make this post too long, because it can go on forever, I will put it simply.  THIS GUY IS PERFECT FOR ME!!!!! And I want him.  He’s approachable, hard-working, reasonably attractive (to me anyway), and just a pretty well rounded guy.  This is the first time I’ve ever met a guy, and really would not mind bringing him home and calling him my boyfriend. I’ve never dated, and frankly, my family would be anxious to see who the first guy is.

I’m way too shy to tell him, and only my closest friend knows about this crush.  I talk to her about him all the time.  I may annoy her a little, but she doesn’t seem to mind. However, why would I tell him anyway.  I found out a year ago he had a girlfriend. Secretly, I’m hoping they’re not still together, but if they are,  :*( .

It’s funny how feelings can just develop out of absolutely nowhere, and then they seem to get more intense. I need to find a way to get over it because I really don’t need the distraction.  I’m usually fine until I see him, then I’m thinking about him for several days afterward.  God, help me!


Prioritize, Organize…Just get it done already!

Today I stepped on the scale and saw my weight at *160 lbs.  Not much of a difference from my last weigh in because I have not been on the diet, but the exercise regimen was okay.  Since I’ve been pretty consistent with exercise, but pretty lax on the diet, my weight hasn’t changed much from the original post.  I take full responsibility for it because I haven’t been as mindful of the things that I’ve been placing into my mouth.  I was refusing to have any type of self control.

*This post was started 4 days ago.  Weight was not the same once it was actually posted.

Self-control, discipline, and will-power are the traits I need to learn and accomplish at this moment.  I have not been following through with tasks or plans.  I have plenty of work to do, but I’ve been procrastinating and surfing the blogosphere to find something interesting.  Before I know it I have an assignment due or some reading to get done, so the time I reserved for working out is time I am spending reading, completing assignments or sleeping because I’ll be up way into the AM surfing the web or watching Family Guy.

LOL!!! So True

My 30 day challenge will help me to develop these traits which will only improve my life.  Stephen Covey says it takes 30 days to develop a habit ( I know it seems I think Stephen Covey is God, but I don’t, his book is great and his advice works).  I want to posses these habits as I had at one point in time when I was in college.  My days ran smoother when everything was organized and well planned.

A few things that will take place during this challenge is…

1. Wake up at 7am, to eventually work my way to waking up at 6am.

2. Go to bed before midnight (when possible) so I can wake up at 7am.

3. Complete an AM workout everyday.

4. Complete a PM workout whenever I don’t work until midnight.

5. Learn to say no, I can’t be there for everybody, I need to support myself.

6. Eat better.  No simple sugars or carbs. Plenty of water and vegetables.  I need to kick my sugar habit and addiction.  So I will go without sugar for 30 days.

7. Prioritize my tasks. Complete assignments in an orderly and timely manner.

8. Distance myself from “The Leech”.  They can really work a nerve, I’ve never met someone who wants to be around another person 24/7.  But I can’t help but feel that at times, I’m being taken advantage of (see #5).

9. Stop wasting time on the internet when I know there is work to be done.  I can spend hours mindlessly surfing the net.  I have no idea what I think I’ll miss.  I guess I’ll reserve time for surfing on the weekends with two hour block sessions.

Merril/Covey Matrix

The Merrill Covey Matrix of Prioritizing

After going over this post, I think in short, I need to learn to Prioritize. I need to learn to organize my life so I can get the things that need to be completed, well…completed.  Sometimes a person’s appearance can be indirectly related to how their life is going, and I think my weight is speaking for me.  I eat fast food all the time because of all the things I choose to do at the last minute.  Therefore, I don’t have time to actually prepare my meals.  Grabbing something at the drive through is so much easier.  Above is the Merrill Covey Matrix.  The goal of this matrix is to spend the majority of your time in quadrant 2.  I spend way too much time in quadrants 3 and 4.

So I’m up for the challenge, starting tomorrow.  I know it’s not good to put things off until tomorrow, but one of my first items on the list is to wake up at 7am and complete an AM workout.  I like what this blog wrote on prioritization, and I borrowed their image, but it’s exactly what I needed to make my point clear to myself.  And they obviously read “The Seven Habits…”.


Beautiful Body Inspiration August 28, 2010

Filed under: Fitness,Inspiration,Uncategorized,Weight Loss — Auset @ 12:37 am

I believe in order to attain any goal you are attempting to acquire, it’s important to have a(n) (almost) clear image in your mind so you don’t lose focus.  When I was about 17-18 years I read “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens” by Shawn Covey.  There is a more popular book for adults with a similar title, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by his dad, Stephen Covey.  The second habit tells the reader to “begin with an end in mind”.  It means to envision your final result, so you can map out your journey to get there. Well, I can think of a few examples in my head, but I will post them on a continuous, regular basis on this blog so I can be routinely reminded of what I want and the reason I need to work hard and push myself.

The first person to feature as my beautiful body inspiration, and perhaps my favorite of any other celeb’s body, is singer and actress Kelly Rowland.

It's easier to look good when slim!

I think her body serves as a realistic goal for my particular body.  I do admit however, that I’m not as tall, and of course, my body will not look exactly like hers.  But I need some type of vision for encouragement.  Since I have always been a little on the curvy side, I know I’ll never be a ruler type.  That’s not really my ideal anyway.  I like Kelly’s body because although she’s slim, her shape is still fairly curvy and womanly.  I just love her arms.  More pics below…

Clothes look and fit better on slim body types.